Antidreariness

It is rainy, dreary, and dark outside... so I figured I would use this opportunity to boost my optimism and list some of the things that I love today. Today, I love: 1. Cute shoes. Come rain or shine, muddy or dry ground... tell me a cute pair of shoes don't make you smile? Take these lovelies for instance... thank you, best friend for the birthday present!

2. Medieval English. Thanks to the mutual whimsy of a friend, a very mundane conversation was able to include lots of thou's, -est's, etc. Believe me, it totally intellectualizes texting. 3. My gypsy earrings. A purchase from RenFair 2010, these babies are still making me smile! They are bright, mismatched, plus they make a great sound when you walk!

4. Jesus Culture. I feel like I have youtubed them a thousand times over the course of the day. Momentary favorites: My Soul Longs For You, Sing My Love, and Where You Go I Go. 5. Strangers' Love Stories. I love the unlikeliness of love. I love stories where God moves people who are meant for each other into the perfect places and phases in life in order to meet. I love the unlikeliness of love. I love how people can look back and see God's hands all over their relationships. It makes be hopeful and prayerful. 6. Skirts that twirl. No explanation required. Skirts that twirl...well, skirts that twirl well are necessary on days like today when both water and the humid air feels stagnate. 7. Ice. No, not the watery, wintry substance (although, as hot as it has been lately, I would LOVE that too!). This book by Sarah Beth Durst kind of reminds me of The Golden Compass without all the anti-Christianity undertones. The magic of the Arctic, a strong female lead, talking Polar Bears... it's all there! So many things to love, so little time!!

To My Mother...

Words cannot describe my mother. Funny. Lovely. Witty. Intelligent. Strong. Comforting. Loving. Honest. Protective. Fierce. All of these words accurately describe her, but, in truth, none of them do her justice. No words can capture her spirit, her heart, or the imprint she has made on mine. No words can accurately describe her checking on me in the dead of night when I got sick as a little girl. Her hand on my forehead, and her voice near me did more than any amount of medicine ever could. No words can capture moments of making homemade pizzas when I had overnight company or bunny cakes near my birthday. No words can measure the amount of support she gave to me in middle school, when she guarded me against the cruelties of others by constantly telling me that I was someone to be proud of. No words can retell phone conversations in college where she told me that she believed in me and helped me to believe in myself. There are no words to describe my mother. She is God's gift to me, a force of good given to help guide me through this life. She is is the lie-detector that keeps me honest and the laughter that keeps me smiling. She is the warrior that keeps me strong and the reality check that keeps me sane. We may disagree sometimes, but I know where she stands all the time: behind me in support or beside me in love. So, mommy, I want you to know today and everyday that I am blessed to be your daughter, and I hope that I become more like the woman you are: a woman of strength and fearlessness and laughter and love. I love you.

Word of the Month: Delightful

Ok, there are two disclaimers for this blog. First, it is late. This word was for March…but, my schedule (more like my slackness) hindered its writing. Second, this blog was probably one of the hardest for me to write, because it is something that I struggle with on a daily basis… so, let us just say that it was written in faith, that someday soon it won’t be such a difficult idea to grasp!

Word of the Month: Delightful

Let’s face it. Most days none of us feel delightful. I know I don’t… messy, dramatic, out of sorts, behind, busy, crazy, stressed, uncertain, yes. Delightful, no…not so much.

Maybe I am the only one… Maybe I am the only one who loses sight of the things that are delightful about me as they get slowly and steadily buried beneath lies and hurts. And when the lies and hurts keep coming, one right after another, steady blow after blow for days or months or in some cases even years, we come face to face with this question: Is there anything delightful about me? When relationships change with no real explanation, we ask: What is so terrible about me? Is there nothing delightful, nothing lovable? When our reaction to a situation does not match how we know we should have acted, we respond: What is wrong with me? What inside of me is incapable of getting it right?

Each of these questions come down to one single fear… that there is nothing inside of us of value or worth delighting in.

I won’t even wait until the end of this blog to tell you this: Yes. Yes, there is something delightful about you. In all honesty, there are hundreds of delightful things about you. Just like there are hundreds of delightful things about me. But, in our humanness, we choose to focus on the broken, the messy, the dirt-smeared, and we allow our eyes to be blinded to the God-given beauty that we offer the world. We become debilitated by our own lack. Turning in all directions we see negative qualities, harsh comparisons, mistakes, misunderstandings… and we are frozen by our own brokenness. And this frozenness leads to forgetfulness because in the muck and the mire we lose sight of the fact that our God makes BEAUTIFUIL things. Period.

GOOD NEWS! We can’t stay blinded forever. Our Heavenly Father simply won’t allow His children to stay in that place. He gives us songs where the lyrics just fit, moments of stillness in nature where the colors are bright, or people whose words, smiles, or hugs are the tangible presence of God breaking through our fortresses of brokenness. Two weeks ago (I told you this blog was a hard one for me to write), a wonderful Man of God was that tangible presence in my life. He told me with all the bluntness and brutal honesty that his personality possesses that God was proud of me (even with my hang-ups, issues, and insecurities), and that the only thing wrong with me is that I think there is something wrong with me, that I think there is any infirmity that God’s love and grace and mercy Has not overcome.

Woah. That truth did for my soul what a cup of hot tea does for a sore throat. It stung and burned a little, but it soothed A LOT. My God is proud of me. But, more than that, my God finds me delightful. When He looks at me, He doesn’t just see the past wounds, the overwhelming fears and insecurities, the current hurts… He sees me: perfectly, totally, completely. He sees the me He pictured before the creation of time itself. He sees the me that His son died for. And what specifically does He see when He sees me?

Well, there’s no telling. I mean, He is God… but, I like to think that He sees a tender and compassionate heart, a woman who loves fiercely, feels deeply, and enjoys giving. He sees a person who loves to laugh and make others smile, cares for children and small animals, and enjoys the simple things in life. He knows all about my dislike of all types of insects and my love of good books, tea, and coffee. He knows that I am partial to Spring, but not too into Summer, that I love daisies and anything bright blue. He sees my birthmark on my shoulder, the odd shape of my head underneath layers of thick tresses, my symmetrically crooked teeth, the freckles that darken on my nose under rays of sun. He knows where I am most ticklish and the fact that I collect owls and elephants and tea pots. The fact that I have to listen to music and sing along practically 24/7 has not escaped His attention. He knows that given the choice I will ALWAYS go barefoot. In fact, He just does not know these things… He made me so. He created all of my complexities. He created EVERYTHING about me, everything unique and delightful that I can offer to the world around me. He knows me, and He knows YOU! Every. Single. Delightful. Detail.

Don’t believe it? Maybe, you’ll believe Beth Moore… In her book So Long Insecurity, she writes, “God Himself formed human emotions. He knows how easily the heart can be broken. The mind can be marred. He knows life hurts…because people hurt…and then hurt people. He also knows the resilience with which He made us and the innate capacity within each one of us to be restored. Remade. He knows we are capable of loving even when we feel unloved because He loves us enough to cover those who don’t. He knows we are not nearly as fragile as we think we are, but we will act like who we believe ourselves to be. He knows we have the capacity to be astoundingly extraordinary, and not just in spite of where we’ve been but because of it.”

Still don’t believe it? How about from the Word of God… Psalm 103:13-14 says, “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; FOR HE KNOWS HOW WE ARE FORMED.”

He knows how we are formed because it was His idea all along. He knows us. He loves us. He finds joy in us, in our lives our laughter, and even in our struggles, He delights in our reliance on Him and our yielded hearts.

He delights in you. He delights in me. He delights in us. The King of the Universe made you, made every single characteristic. And, based on that logic alone… if the King of the Universe made us, there is something, hundreds of things about us that are delightful!

On Making A Mess Of Things...

I continue to be surprised by the messes I can create. Which, I mean, I really should not be all that surprised… we are talking about a flawed to the core, overly emotional, overly sensitive human being who lets her mouth run when it should be her feet running her burdens on over to Jesus. Am I the only one who can relate to this feeling of NEVER being able to get it right? I have the best intentions… but as the timeless adage says the path to a not so pleasant place is paved with those.

If we are all brutally honest with ourselves, the intention is not the most important thing. As a friend of mine reminds me during moments such as these, wisdom is proven right by its RESULTS, not by its intentions (unfortunately!). I would be one of the wisest people in the world if intentions were all that mattered. The thing that continues to stump, send me into a tailspin, and send me flying back under the cover of my Father is this fact: as much as we would like to lean on the crutch of good intentions, delivery and timing are irreplaceable. Our God is a God of order and He deserves a Spirit-led, discerning, well-timed people.

Our best intentions mean NOTHING if we try to take the place of God in a situation, if we try to do His work by correcting injustice, changing hearts, or just simply jumping the gun. His timing is always perfect…

So, this must mean that our intentions are not the problem. Our mouths are.

Think about it… good intentions + bad timing = a mess. Or, good intentions + poor delivery = a mess. Or even, good intentions + bad timing + poor delivery = pack your bags and move to Australia! Seriously though, I cannot coast through life on the basis of my intentions. If my intentions are honorable, but my words are haphazardly chosen, I change nothing. If my intentions are honorable, but it is not the God ordained time for those words to come out of my mouth, the situation gets worse instead of better. The good and shiny intentions get covered by the slime and muck stirred when I take it upon myself to step into a situation. And let’s all be real, God is SO MUCH MORE capable of fixing situations or dealing with people’s hearts and behaviors than we WILL EVER be. So, I am praying to learn (before I create another gigantic mess for myself) to restrain my good intentions (my desire for justice and fairness) with good timing and a Godly delivery.

I am so looking forward to becoming a woman of good intentions and good timing, a woman whose words and reactions always do justice to the motives of her heart.

That’s where I'm at on the journey.

A March Makeover

Ah, March! My favorite month of the year... Spring is coming, which means brighter days, greener grass, fluffier clouds, fuller trees, blooming flowers, and one happy, gypsy-hearted girl. Since Spring is the season of change and re-birth after the steady, monotonous, and what feels like unchanging dreariness of winter, I figured it was time to spread that renewal mentality to other aspects of my life as well. So, here are the four things to be accomplished during my March Makeover.

1. De-Clutter My Life: I have too much stuff!! Don't we all?!? Well, my stuff has frustrated me to the point of near insanity. I want a clean space, where everything I own either has a practical purpose or a sentimental value. So,I will be de-cluttering it ALL: the closets, the car, the desk, the bookshelves (PAINFUL for this book junkie), the knick-knacks. Everything will be sorted through, kept or boxed up, thrown out or given to someone in need. I want to be a good steward of what God has given me and not a hoarder of possessions, like a dragon of Medieval lore sitting on a pile of treasure. I'd rather get rid of the stuff than have a knight try to slay me...just sayin'.

2. De-Clutter My Schedule: Where does my time go? This question hits me hard each week, as I try to complete a task list that seems to be ever-growing. But, is it growing because I am being Holy Spirit led or just because I am afraid to say no? Every activity, every obligation, whether Sacred or Secular will come under review this month. And, with God's direction, I hope to better focus my time and attention where it needs to be. We can't do EVERYTHING. We can all do SOMETHING. May we do that SOMETHING with all the energy and dedication we have within us.

3. De-Clutter My Mind: I think I have stopped challenging myself intellectually since I graduated from college. I mean, when you are in school, you're forced to challenge yourself. Whether it be a class on an unfamiliar topic (Hello, History of The Middle East with Dr. Wood) or a thought-provoking Novel (Hello, Lamb or any other novel assigned by Dr. Haughey), your brain is constantly exploring new domains or learning something. Well, I made a pact that I would always keep learning, even if my educational career ended after a Bachelor's Degree. It has been almost a year since graduation. The after-college, I'm-a-History-Major-English-Minor,Burn-Out period has definitely expired. It is time to not only read for entertainment (which I am a HUGE believer in! Hear me! HUGE!!) but to also make time to read for growth. This same concept applies to the films or television I watch and the music I listen to. Sure, we all need that fluffy, easy to digest, feel good entertainment, but I believe we also need the books, songs, and movies that make us feel something: anger, injustice, love, sadness, grief. Entertainment that is deep and thought-provoking and real enough to teach us something true about humanity and about ourselves. My first step in this direction: diving into Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go. A review will come in the near future!

4. De-Clutter My Heart and Spirit: I saved this one for last because if you remember nothing else from this somewhat personal and goal oriented blog, I want it to be this point. I am a super feeler and emotional sponge (as are many of us). I believe that as humans, we are all sort of like a reservoir...we take in the world around us. Sometimes, in seasons of trial and storm, we take in SO much that if we don't get ourselves cleaned out, we won't recover. During the beginning of Spring, the beginning of the world being made new AGAIN, I want God to make my heart new AGAIN. This winter has seemed to be one of upheaval, change, constant instrospection, painful growth, deep wounds, and unsteadiness. So, I'm ready for a change. I'm ready for Him to come in and help me sort through it all: the emotions, the words, the woes, the decisions, the doubt, the change. I am ready for Him to help me digest what needs to be learned and retained, heal what wounded my heart, and clean out burdens that were never mine to carry.

Spring. It is the season where the world is being made new, being made beautiful once again. May we all take the time to be still and let Him make beautiful things out of us!

Cherished

So, I recently...like a week and a half ago...bought a 2012 calendar. I know, I know. One month (soon to be two) is already behind us, and the only explanation I can offer you is that my life and schedule have fallen painstakingly behind in ALL things.

However, I picked up an adorable and somewhat whimsical calendar from Wal-Mart for less than $5. Little did I know, this bright and cheerful wall art would not only help me keep track of my days, but it would also inspire a monthly series for the blog.

Each month, I will write an entry about the word featured on my wall calendar. I'm kind of excited about it actually. I mean, I only know February and March's words so far (because I always like to preview what picture falls on my birthday month!) I am doing my best not to peek until it is time to begin the writing process!
Geek...Why, yes, I'm aware.



Word of the Month: Cherished.

Cherished... Aahhh!! I just love the sound of that word as it rolls off your tongue and out of your mouth. It seems like it belongs in some old school, black and white film and not a wall calendar. It is beautiful and deep and unable to be completely defined (like the best, most pure, and most wonderful things in life are).

The truth is: We all want to be cherished. I don't know a person on this planet, man or woman, elderly person or small child, who does not harbor a secret desire to be "held dear, felt or shown affection for, kept or cultivated with care and affection, and entertained or harbored in the mind deeply or resolutely."

I desire to be an integral part of the people in my world's lives. I desire to be cherished. To not merely be a fleeting influence or presence that is there one minute and gone the next, but to be interwoven in the hearts, minds, and spirits of those around me. To be thought of, felt for, remembered fondly, and laughed with (and sometimes at...I'm a believer that is good for the soul too!). To be a blessing, to be a member of another's memories, to touch lives whether it is the lives of my family, friends, the children I teach, or the people who walk into where I work. I desire to be someone who is cherished.

But, more importantly, I harbor an earnest and consuming desire to cherish others. I want to be the type of person who finds something in each person worth cherishing, worth savoring, worth remembering. I want random words and colors and thoughts and songs and pictures to make me think of someone...and not just think of someone, but think of someone fondly. I want to take the time to tell (in word, action, and prayer)the people I love, the people who surround me with goodness, comfort, color, prayer, accountability, strength, humor, wit, wisdom, gentleness, and humility, that I CHERISH them. They are treasures. They are interwoven in the fabric of my heart, spirit, and life, and that wherever I go from here, I am indebted to their Godly love, encouragement, and patience (oh, massive amounts of patience). That I am who I am because they were who they are to me, and they allowed God to use them mightily in the big and the small things.

So, to all the colorful people who make up my little world: You are cherished!

Emotional Leprosy: Part II (The Best Part!)

So, yesterday, it was pretty much confirmed that I am an emotional leper. I think to a certain degree, we all are or can be at certain points in our lives. We all have moments where our emotions make us sick and attempt to destroy us, where they spread uncontrollably like a wildfire and threaten the people around us, where they send us away: disconnected, untouchable, and ashamed. But good news for us, and the main focus of today’s blog: The same Jesus who healed the physical lepers of the New Testament is still in the business of healing the emotional lepers of today.

One article I found about leprosy had this title, “Biblical Leprosy: Shedding Light on the Disease That Shuns.” Now, that is a powerful image. How often are we shunned by the emotional conditions of our lives? I know I am. I REFUSE sometimes to be touched by others. I run. I hide my face and heart in shame, embarrassed that insecurity, anxiety, and fear are sometimes written all over my skin, plain as leprous nodules.

But…Jesus always finds me. It never fails. Wherever I want to run to, He’s there before me. When I’m ashamed, He lifts my face. When I feel like my emotional leprosy has been fatal to me and my relationships, He saves and then He restores…just like He did in the New Testament. In Luke 17:11-19 it says:

“Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, ‘Jesus, Master, have pity on us!’ When he saw them, he said, ‘Go, show yourselves to the priests.’ And as they went, they were cleansed. One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, ‘Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?’ Then he said to him, ‘Rise and go; your faith has made you well’.”

From my limited knowledge, in New Testament times, lepers were the outcasts. Those infected with this disease lived their lives apart from the rest of the population (leper colonies, anyone?) When they had to be around others, they walked with hands over their mouth and the word “Unclean” on their lips, ready to warn any unsuspecting person to stay away.

From this passage of Scripture, we see Jesus healing ten lepers and only one returning to Him to give thanks. I have heard many messages centering around this passage that chose to focus on the lack of thankfulness of the nine who did not return to Jesus. However, when examining this Scripture in the light of emotional leprosy, I thought about something else. What if the nine did not come back because they couldn’t let go of their old way of looking at themselves? What if, in their heart of hearts, they doubted whether or not they had been made whole and set free? What if they believed their disease would come back because it was not a permanent healing?

Jesus had healed them. Fact. Jesus had overcome EVERYTHING. Fact. But, He couldn’t make them believe it. He could not make them live like they were free. The one leper that returned to Jesus could have refused to believe that he was fully, completely, and utterly healed. He could have maintained the mentality he had always used when thinking of himself. He could have remained one of the “Unclean,” one of the “Untouchables.”

We are the same way. Jesus has set me free and healed me from every anxiety, insecurity, and fear. He has broken down every stronghold of addiction, pride, greed, and anger. Every emotionally leprous thing has been OVERCOME. But, it is up to us to live it out. Because, you see, we are either healed or not healed, free or enslaved, victims or overcomers. Our God does nothing half-way. His work is complete. So, we must live based on the truth and our faith NOT on feelings. We must throw ourselves at His feet daily and thank Him for setting us free. I had to do this very thing this morning. Curled up before him like a kitten at the mercy of someone so much stronger and capable than myself and repeating the words to Kari Jobe’s Steady My Heart:

"I will run to You because I know that You are the Lover of My Soul and Healer of My Scars."

If He says we are free, that’s it. End of story. So, we throw ourselves before Him and allow our feelings to catch up with our reality, even when it seems like we struggle with the same emotional issues, even when we don’t feel free. We thank Him for the TRUTH that we ARE.

And, then He lifts our face and tells us once again that our faith has indeed made us well.