Wishes for a Terrible Tuesday...

Today was one of the most exhausting and overwhelming days I have had in the long time. It may be the plague I am currently carrying (a.k.a. a cold/sinus infection/something) or the fact that I have major Senioritis, but my long list of things to do seems to be multiplying like rabbits. I need a break. I need to escape, even if it just for the few moments that it takes to compile this whimsical list.

Wishes for today:

1. This paper would write itself.
2. A never-ending supply of hot tea would find its way to my room.
3. There would be a revival of Jane Austen style dresses and courtship rituals.
4. The caf would serve something other than a meat product with ketchup on it or chicken.
5. A vase of daisies sitting daintily on my desk...what a lovely picture that would be.
6. Kate Rusby or Eisley would come and perform a concert on the front lawn.
7. People will write letters again instead of sending texts or facebook messages.
8. A trip to Istanbul is free.
9. No more depressing literature will be assigned this semester.
10. There will be time to write for fun today.

Ah well, a girl can dream...

A Year With Fear: When I am afraid...

When my giant concordance first told me to turn to Genesis 20:11, I was immediately confused. I could not actually find the word "fear" in my version of this verse.

However, I soon discovered that just because the word isn't there, it doesn't mean that the issue isn't.

Genesis 20:11 lands you right in the middle of the story of Abraham, Sarah, and King Abimelech of Gerar. In the verse Abraham replies to the king, "I thought, 'This is a godless place. They will want my wife and will kill me to get her.' You discover, earlier in the passage, that Abraham has lied to King Abimelech and told him that Sarah is his sister.

Confused about why this verse is listed under "Fear" in the concordance? So was I...at first. Until I stopped and asked myself "Why?".

Why did Abraham lie?

Answer: He was afraid, but more than that he was TERRIFIED.

He felt that his very life was in danger, that the king of this "godless place" would kill him and take Sarah for his own. Because of his fear, he didn't think of the consequences of his actions, instead he simply reacted to his emotions. Because of his rash, fear-driven decision he put an entire kingdom at risk. If God had not come to King Abimelech in a dream and told him that Sarah was a married women, according to the Scripture, the king would have been a "dead man." Once he found out, though, Abimelech gave Sarah back to her husband, and he gave them gifts of slaves, sheep, goats, and cattle.

So what does this have to with me--and my fears?

It all comes down to what I do when I am afraid. Now, I may not lie, but I run from fear. I hide. I avoid. And just like Abraham, my actions showcase a lack of faith and trust in a God who protects, provides, and plans.

I try to take matters into my own hands. I make rash decisions--decisions that sometimes have huge consequences for me and those around me, instead of believing in the promises of my God.

Luckily for me (and for Abraham) my God has a wonderfully, amazing habit of stepping in and fixing the mess that I have made for myself. It's His way of reminding me, "Do you see the kind of God that I am? So, don't let fear creep in. Trust me!"

A Year with Fear

I am a fearful person. There, I said it. It's out there.

Now, while fear in some shapes and forms helps you avoid stupid decisions and keeps you safe. For me, it has a gripping hold on my life. It has determined where I have gone, what I've said, and how I have felt.

What am I afraid of?

When I was a child, this question was so much more straightforward. The dark...lightening...bugs(I still am not a big fan!).But, when you grow up fear takes a deeper root. For me, it began to touch more important things.

The fear of failure.
The fear of loneliness.
The fear of anger.
The fear of rejection.
The fear of being truly seen.
The fear of being truly heard.
The fear of not being good enough.

All this fear in my life, and the strange thing is, I can't remember how it got there. I can't tell you why I fear these things or how it started or why it still exists...it just does.

Most of the time, I can hide it. I seem happy and light-hearted and free. The people who know me, know that I have a rabbit-heart, one which races with insecurity and awkwardness. Those who really know me, know how deep the fear really goes. It was the words of one of these people that got me thinking about my struggle with fear.

After church one Sunday, my friend told me: I prayed for your debilitating fear. My reaction, of course, was: My what?!?! Sure, I have fears, but come on...debilitating...seriously? Well, through much self-study and prayer, I discovered that she was absolutely right (hence the adamant statement and list above).

Once I admitted it to myself, once I acknowledged that I have a "fear problem," I started to wonder what I was going to do about it. I mean, it is not a light switch problem. You can't just turn it on and off! This wondering ultimately turned into a new year's resolution.

I am resolved. I refuse to wallow in fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind."
So, I have decided to spend a year with fear. I am reading every verse in the Bible that deals with fear, and I am looking forward to experiencing what God has to show me. I believe that my God is in the freedom business. He is able to free me from all fear.

I encourage you to take this journey with me! Spend a year with fear. What are you afraid of?

An Exceptional Path

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives." ~Psalm 37: 23

My life feels absolutely ordinary. In all honesty, most of my days are spent doing nothing exceptional.

I sleep, wake, eat, laugh, talk, think, walk, study, read, write, smile, hug, frown, kiss, and watch. Then, a new day dawns, and I do all of this over again.

Sometimes, it feels as if God's plan for my life has not been kicked into motion yet. Is all the sleeping, waking, walking, studying, laughing, talking, etc. a contributing factor in a great plan for me? I have been basically doing what I've always done. Most days can't be an important part of the plan, right?

Wrong. Oh, so wrong.

This beautiful verse in Psalms contradicts every part of that statement. God delights in EVERY DETAIL of my life. Every detail. Every. Single. One.

It's like I am walking on a path. In some parts of the path there are roots sticking up out of the ground, and I trip and fall. In other parts of the path, the sun bathes my skin in warmth, and there is breathtaking scenic wonders. On the path, in some places, the trail is wide enough for a friend. However, in some places, the way is narrow, so I have to walk it alone. In numerous spots, rain can pour down, chilling me to the bone and making me want to turn back. Hills can get steep. Soil can get rocky. There are moments where I skip and run. Moments where I crawl.

Then there are moments where I can stroll. The path is comfortable, predictable even. I see the same things I always see. I walk at the same pace I always do. It does not even feel like I am walking on a path at all. I am just walking with no destination in mind.

However, all of that can change. Something new and different could be just around the bend.

And if not, I am still walking on the path...even if I feel differently sometimes.

Every day is part of the path or plan. Every moment has been perfectly planned out by Him. Every conversation, laugh, tear, smile, or frown is part of the life he set out for me since before I was born.

It's such a beautiful plan. It's such an exceptional path.

He Hears Me...

Have you ever prayed for something for an extended period of time?

If so, you understand how frustrating it can become when you pray and pray and pray... but you do not receive an answer to your question or a fulfillment to your request.

It feels as if your prayers are trapped by the clouds. They don't quite go anywhere. Sometimes, you are tempted to ask, "God, do you even hear me? Do you see me?"

That was my question last night...

And my answer came this morning...

I have been making my way through the Psalms. This morning, I read Psalm 17-21. In Psalm 17:6, I read something that made me stop, causing tears to well up in my eyes.

"I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God."

This might be one of the hardest parts of faith: Believing in spite of our feelings.

All we can do is pray with confidence, knowing that God will answer in HIS TIME and according to HIS WILL. Even though we feel like God does not hear us, see what we are going through, and understand our pain, we have to have faith that He does. We cannot rely on our feelings. God is a promise-keeper. I have seen fulfilled promises and answers to prayers more times than I can count. Why would he behave differently this time?

I pray because I know he will answer. What a wonderful lesson to re-learn.

With Different Eyes...

How do I see myself?

Three different people on three separate occasions have told me, "Bethany, you don't see yourself the way other people see you." I am only coming to understand the depth of these words this week.

There is a huge gap between what I see and the truth of who I am. But this is not an ailment specific to only me...

I cannot tell you how many people I know and love do not see themselves the way I do. When I look at them, I see beauty and strength where they see flaws and weakness. I see compassion and loyalty where they feel isolated and judgmental. I see a wounded heart where they feel bitterness.

In my eyes, love covers these people. They are by no means perfect, but they are loved regardless. I see with different eyes because these individuals mean so much to me.

If my love, which is unstable and earth-bound covers them, I am in awe of how God sees us. Through his never-ending, never-failing love I am seen. What a wonderful thought that I am not only seen, but I am seen as I TRULY am. My creator sees me, sees the truth of who I am.

His love covers me. It covers my insecurities, weaknesses, flaws, doubt, and stupidity. It covers my pride, judgments, and freak outs. It covers my awkwardness, control freak tendencies, and fear. It covers self-doubt.

My God does not make mistakes. Everything He made "was good."

How do I see myself?

Because of God's love, I finally see myself with different eyes.

I love and am loved...

Nothing original from me in this post. School has exhausted my creative potential.

That being said, for a school assignment, I read Marie de France's Lanval. In it, Lanval describes the woman he loves. After I read it, I had to go back and read it again. I loved it THAT much. So, I thought I would share it.

"I love and am loved by a lady who should be prized above all others I know."

That was it; it was one line. For some reason, it stuck with me, and it has been in my head for days since I read it.

Simply beautiful. To love and be loved...