Wishes for a Terrible Tuesday...

Today was one of the most exhausting and overwhelming days I have had in the long time. It may be the plague I am currently carrying (a.k.a. a cold/sinus infection/something) or the fact that I have major Senioritis, but my long list of things to do seems to be multiplying like rabbits. I need a break. I need to escape, even if it just for the few moments that it takes to compile this whimsical list.

Wishes for today:

1. This paper would write itself.
2. A never-ending supply of hot tea would find its way to my room.
3. There would be a revival of Jane Austen style dresses and courtship rituals.
4. The caf would serve something other than a meat product with ketchup on it or chicken.
5. A vase of daisies sitting daintily on my desk...what a lovely picture that would be.
6. Kate Rusby or Eisley would come and perform a concert on the front lawn.
7. People will write letters again instead of sending texts or facebook messages.
8. A trip to Istanbul is free.
9. No more depressing literature will be assigned this semester.
10. There will be time to write for fun today.

Ah well, a girl can dream...

A Year With Fear: When I am afraid...

When my giant concordance first told me to turn to Genesis 20:11, I was immediately confused. I could not actually find the word "fear" in my version of this verse.

However, I soon discovered that just because the word isn't there, it doesn't mean that the issue isn't.

Genesis 20:11 lands you right in the middle of the story of Abraham, Sarah, and King Abimelech of Gerar. In the verse Abraham replies to the king, "I thought, 'This is a godless place. They will want my wife and will kill me to get her.' You discover, earlier in the passage, that Abraham has lied to King Abimelech and told him that Sarah is his sister.

Confused about why this verse is listed under "Fear" in the concordance? So was I...at first. Until I stopped and asked myself "Why?".

Why did Abraham lie?

Answer: He was afraid, but more than that he was TERRIFIED.

He felt that his very life was in danger, that the king of this "godless place" would kill him and take Sarah for his own. Because of his fear, he didn't think of the consequences of his actions, instead he simply reacted to his emotions. Because of his rash, fear-driven decision he put an entire kingdom at risk. If God had not come to King Abimelech in a dream and told him that Sarah was a married women, according to the Scripture, the king would have been a "dead man." Once he found out, though, Abimelech gave Sarah back to her husband, and he gave them gifts of slaves, sheep, goats, and cattle.

So what does this have to with me--and my fears?

It all comes down to what I do when I am afraid. Now, I may not lie, but I run from fear. I hide. I avoid. And just like Abraham, my actions showcase a lack of faith and trust in a God who protects, provides, and plans.

I try to take matters into my own hands. I make rash decisions--decisions that sometimes have huge consequences for me and those around me, instead of believing in the promises of my God.

Luckily for me (and for Abraham) my God has a wonderfully, amazing habit of stepping in and fixing the mess that I have made for myself. It's His way of reminding me, "Do you see the kind of God that I am? So, don't let fear creep in. Trust me!"

A Year with Fear

I am a fearful person. There, I said it. It's out there.

Now, while fear in some shapes and forms helps you avoid stupid decisions and keeps you safe. For me, it has a gripping hold on my life. It has determined where I have gone, what I've said, and how I have felt.

What am I afraid of?

When I was a child, this question was so much more straightforward. The dark...lightening...bugs(I still am not a big fan!).But, when you grow up fear takes a deeper root. For me, it began to touch more important things.

The fear of failure.
The fear of loneliness.
The fear of anger.
The fear of rejection.
The fear of being truly seen.
The fear of being truly heard.
The fear of not being good enough.

All this fear in my life, and the strange thing is, I can't remember how it got there. I can't tell you why I fear these things or how it started or why it still exists...it just does.

Most of the time, I can hide it. I seem happy and light-hearted and free. The people who know me, know that I have a rabbit-heart, one which races with insecurity and awkwardness. Those who really know me, know how deep the fear really goes. It was the words of one of these people that got me thinking about my struggle with fear.

After church one Sunday, my friend told me: I prayed for your debilitating fear. My reaction, of course, was: My what?!?! Sure, I have fears, but come on...debilitating...seriously? Well, through much self-study and prayer, I discovered that she was absolutely right (hence the adamant statement and list above).

Once I admitted it to myself, once I acknowledged that I have a "fear problem," I started to wonder what I was going to do about it. I mean, it is not a light switch problem. You can't just turn it on and off! This wondering ultimately turned into a new year's resolution.

I am resolved. I refuse to wallow in fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind."
So, I have decided to spend a year with fear. I am reading every verse in the Bible that deals with fear, and I am looking forward to experiencing what God has to show me. I believe that my God is in the freedom business. He is able to free me from all fear.

I encourage you to take this journey with me! Spend a year with fear. What are you afraid of?