He Hears Me...

Have you ever prayed for something for an extended period of time?

If so, you understand how frustrating it can become when you pray and pray and pray... but you do not receive an answer to your question or a fulfillment to your request.

It feels as if your prayers are trapped by the clouds. They don't quite go anywhere. Sometimes, you are tempted to ask, "God, do you even hear me? Do you see me?"

That was my question last night...

And my answer came this morning...

I have been making my way through the Psalms. This morning, I read Psalm 17-21. In Psalm 17:6, I read something that made me stop, causing tears to well up in my eyes.

"I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God."

This might be one of the hardest parts of faith: Believing in spite of our feelings.

All we can do is pray with confidence, knowing that God will answer in HIS TIME and according to HIS WILL. Even though we feel like God does not hear us, see what we are going through, and understand our pain, we have to have faith that He does. We cannot rely on our feelings. God is a promise-keeper. I have seen fulfilled promises and answers to prayers more times than I can count. Why would he behave differently this time?

I pray because I know he will answer. What a wonderful lesson to re-learn.

With Different Eyes...

How do I see myself?

Three different people on three separate occasions have told me, "Bethany, you don't see yourself the way other people see you." I am only coming to understand the depth of these words this week.

There is a huge gap between what I see and the truth of who I am. But this is not an ailment specific to only me...

I cannot tell you how many people I know and love do not see themselves the way I do. When I look at them, I see beauty and strength where they see flaws and weakness. I see compassion and loyalty where they feel isolated and judgmental. I see a wounded heart where they feel bitterness.

In my eyes, love covers these people. They are by no means perfect, but they are loved regardless. I see with different eyes because these individuals mean so much to me.

If my love, which is unstable and earth-bound covers them, I am in awe of how God sees us. Through his never-ending, never-failing love I am seen. What a wonderful thought that I am not only seen, but I am seen as I TRULY am. My creator sees me, sees the truth of who I am.

His love covers me. It covers my insecurities, weaknesses, flaws, doubt, and stupidity. It covers my pride, judgments, and freak outs. It covers my awkwardness, control freak tendencies, and fear. It covers self-doubt.

My God does not make mistakes. Everything He made "was good."

How do I see myself?

Because of God's love, I finally see myself with different eyes.

I love and am loved...

Nothing original from me in this post. School has exhausted my creative potential.

That being said, for a school assignment, I read Marie de France's Lanval. In it, Lanval describes the woman he loves. After I read it, I had to go back and read it again. I loved it THAT much. So, I thought I would share it.

"I love and am loved by a lady who should be prized above all others I know."

That was it; it was one line. For some reason, it stuck with me, and it has been in my head for days since I read it.

Simply beautiful. To love and be loved...

The Exceptional in the Mundane

I had a life crisis yesterday. Most of the time, I don't think past December. With my Senior thesis and presentation, I am just praying for the strength to make it through to the end of this semester. I can't fathom past finals. However, I have moments of panic, especially when I am driving back and forth to school during the week. There is something about being alone in the car, the open road in front of me, that makes me think. Then due to the thinking, I freak out.

Well, this happened last night. Only, I was not alone this time. I was able to discuss my panic, to really put into words what I believed the Lord may have planned for me after May 7. Once I cross that stage, my role as a college student will be over. The class schedules, assignment deadlines, and all the other academic nonsense that made up my life for the last four years will be over.

Looking back, I see how much I have changed, and I see how much my dreams have changed. We all want to live exceptional lives. I know when I started college, I had great dreams for myself. I wanted to work in London at the British Museum. I wanted to get a doctorate. I wanted to make a historical discovery. Well, these are all of the things I THOUGHT I wanted...

The closer I get to graduating, the more I find that the things I thought I wanted are not the things that will really make me happy.

The truth is, we all equate an exceptional life with how much money we make, our name being in lights, being known for something, being the best at something, doing something unique. However, some of the most exceptional people I know are the people that the world defines as mundane. They live their lives in small towns. They love the people around them with a fierceness few can fathom. They work hard. They never stop learning. They serve the Lord with their talents. They embrace new experiences.

God's dreams for my life are not the dreams that I had when I was a Freshman in college. Do I know all of what he has planned for me? Absolutely not. However, it will be exceptional because He has called me to it.

The exceptional in the world's mundane was easy to find when I stopped freaking out and really started looking for it!

I live on Animal Farm...

For my Modern British Fiction class, we just finished reading Animal Farm by George Orwell. Ever since reading it, I was struck by the fact that I know some of the characters from the farm. I guess, I kind of live on Animal Farm... minus the whole Communism thing.

We are all surrounded by people who believe they are entitled, like the pigs on Animal Farm. We are very familiar with people who believe they deserve the best of everything. This is not because they have earned it, but just because of their name or, in the case of the novel, their species.

We all know people like Boxer, the hardworking horse. We know those who are dedicated, fiercely loyal, and under-appreciated. We all know a Millie. We know people who are spoiled and treated like royalty, completely oblivious to the way ordinary people live.

We all know Clover. We all have those in our life who mother us, care for us, and try to soothe our worries. We all know a Napoleon. We all know those who believe they deserve respect and unquestioning allegiance. The idea that respect is earned is a completey foreign concept... about as foreign as the idea that people have a right to question things.

We all know a Snowball, or someone who has good intentions, but gets caught up along the way. We all know Squealer. We know people who manipulate us with their words, and try to convince us that our feelings and opinions are not valid.

When George Orwell wrote Animal Farm, he was not just mocking Communism. He was mocking humanity. He was using the pen to point out OUR flaws.

We don't treat each other well. We let our "animal" insticts guide us. We walk around (luckily on two legs) puffed up before the world. We believe people should focus on us at all times. We over-value our interests and under-value others.

With this way of behaving, no one gets out unscathed...Animal Farm made that quite clear.

To those people...

To those people who really know me...

To those people who know my fears, failures, and flaws...

To those people who know my dreams and desires...

To those people who love me, live with me, and let me be myself...

To those people who aren't afraid to tell me the truth...

To those people who aren't afraid to hear the truth...

To those people who encourage me...

To those people who really listen...

To those people who, in my weakness, support me...


I was overwhelmed Tuesday night by the fact that I have "those people" in my life. I am immeasurably blessed by God with the friends and family that surround me. I strive each day to be one of "those people." I strive to be the caring ear, supporting tongue, strong arm, and perfectly timed words. I strive to be deserving of such loyal companionship in this journey through life.

To those people... I love you.

A series of events...

Maybe life is really just a series of events.

It seemed odd to me that last week my family was celebrating the marriage of two wonderful people, and this week, I was attending a Memorial service.

Can our lives be broken down by specific events? Can they be outlined in neat little points by birthdays, weddings, funerals, and the like?

Maybe.

Life is the graduations, the births, the birthdays, the weddings, and unfortunately, the funerals. But, I also believe it is the small moments. The ones that cannot be plotted on an outline. It is the late night conversations with friends, the random lunch, the three day vacation, the song playing at church that breaks your heart, the laughter that makes you cry, the tiny fears you face, the strengths you discover, the love you give.

It is the events, large and seemingly insignificant, that make us who we are...that make up our lives.

The Town

This Sunday evening, I saw the new film titled The Town. Basically, the story revolves around a close-knit community in Boston known as Charlestown. In this small area, residents have grown up together and become like family. Also, most of them have joined the leading occupation of those in Charlestown: bankrobbing.

The story follows a bankrobber named Doug, whose hockey career was cut short by injury and poor choices. After what was thought to be a promising future away from the grips of Charlestown, he ends up where he started, and he finds it almost impossible to get away from the way of life that has now become like second nature.

While containing an unrealistic love story and a somewhat predictable ending, The Town also deals with an issue that I was not expecting: Environmental Determinism. An idea advocated by such writers as Thomas Hardy, Environmental Determinism basically says that an individual's success in life is fated by where they grew up. No matter how much an individual toils in opposition to their roots, they cannot escape where they come from.

As Christians, we like to advocate that God, and not environment, determines what we do in our lives. We stress with our words that fate has nothing to do with who we become and where we end up.

But, do we really live like we believe this?

In college, most people try to distance themselves from where they come from. They move out of town, change their hair color, examine their beliefs, or find a new interest in an attempt to prove to themselves or to someone else that the small town, high school, or family they grew up in has no bearing on their identity.

I've done it. I do it. I don't want to be the same person that I was in 2007, and when 2025 comes around, I won't want to be the same person I was in 2011. We all try to prove something to the people who knew us, to the people who abused us, or to the people who thought we were one thing when we were so much more.

The truth of the matter is, even as Christians, we act like WE are the ones who get us out of our environment. Our actions say that we have to fight Environmental Determinism every step of the way, even if our environment was not the crime-ridden streets of Charlestown. However, we forget that God does the changing. He morphs us into the people we are meant to be. He takes us away from home, brings us back home, or keeps us at home. Environmental Determinism has nothing to do with it.

So, live life as one liberated. God is changing you, moving you, shifting your interests, and widening your views. Don't fight to prove something. Just let Him work.

Medieval Mood...

Heart we will forget him!
You and I, tonight!
You will forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me,
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you're lagging,
I may remember him!

I have been in a Medieval sort of mood this week... if you can even consider Medieval to be a mood. What does this mean exactly? Well, for me, it meant empire-waisted, flowing dresses, Irish ballads you can dance to, and plans to attend a joust while eating a turkey leg in October.
I also could not get the words of an Emily Dickinson poem out of my head today. This blog is a fusion of those two elements. Hope you enjoyed it.

Endless possibilities

In preparation for my graduation application being due on September 10, I met with my advisor this week. We talked about the usual advisor/advisee stuff: IPW's, Credit hours needed to complete my major, etc. Then the conversation turned to after graduation. What did I want to do with my life? Where was I planning on going? Basically, he asked the really big questions.

Shockingly, I was not at all nervous after this conversation. I discovered the possibilities are endless. Whether it be graduate school or museum work or teaching or writing or whatever, God will place me where he wants me in life. All I can do is seek His will and do my best. All I can do is trust Him.

With my God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me.

Like I said, the possibilities are endless.

As a senior in college with an unbelievable work load, this is a very comforting realization!

Change is coming...

So yesterday was a stressful day... I discovered, in passing of course, two deadlines that I was not aware of. This means that I had a minor freak out last night... minor being a panic level of 4 on a scale of 10. With that stressed out, tight feeling in my chest growing, I prayed, listened to mellow tunes, and attempted to focus on the tasks at hand. I was sort of successful at it.

However, this morning after my delicious cup of coffee, everything I was worried about yesterday shifted. The gigantic events of 24 hours ago that consumed about an hour's worth of my life, shrouding it in worry and anxiety, had minimized. Due to the understanding of a wonderfully caring professor and a super productive block of free time, the obstacles disappeared.

This is like our lives. Whatever we are going through right now, whether you are in school, in a job, in a marriage,in a friendship,or in a family, we all have times where we feel overwhelemed. We all have times where the mountains seem too high, where we feel too alone, and where there is simply not enough time. But in the morning after a prayer, a good conversation with loved ones, a good night's sleep, or a good cup of coffee, everything can change.

We feel like we are stuck in these stressful times, but the truth is, change is coming. Like wonderfully cool Fall follows the sweltering heat of Summer, life moves on. The anxiety, the stress, the pain...none of this can last forever. They are the seasons of our lives that we must go through, but JOY, thank the Lord, always follows!

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me...

And no, I am not typing this to fish for compliments or security or whatever, but today I was struck with the realization that I may be anti-social. For most of you who know me, this may seem like a shock. I am loud. I love to talk and laugh and be goofy, but I have to be really comfortable with people before that side of me comes to the surface.

So, maybe the better question is: Do I have multiple personalities or something?

When I know you, I am loud and crazy. When I don't know you, I could not possibly be more silent or awkward. Truly, it is the getting to know people part that I find bothersome. I mean, I hate mixers. I take no joy out of the mixing process. In fact, the whole idea of entering a room full of strangers and having to sum up my personality and interests in three minutes makes me queasy. I would rather go to the doctor than go to something like that...what does that mean?

What is Success

I rediscovered a poem today, that I have not read since I was a Senior in highschool:

What is success?
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by
a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded.

This poem seemed appropriate, since I am on the verge of beginning my Senior year in college.
Some days...not most days... but some days, I feel as if I am waiting for my life to start. It is like I am caught in this inbetween space. I am not fully child, but I am not fully adult. Today was one of those days... Has my life been a successful one thus far? I mean, has it been successful in the ways that truly count? What does my life say about me? What am I waiting for?

Business vs. Love

So, today, I came into contact with books in two very different environments. First, I had to go to school and buy my textbooks for all of my classes. Since I am taking two English classes, several of these purchases were novels. Wonderful, right? Not so much... Book buying at school stresses me out. Books are a big business. For five paperback books, I paid $300. I found no pleasure in handing my schedule to the student worker, waiting in line as she stacked books and placed them on the counter, grabbing my "treasures" (a term I use for MANY novels), and walking to the register. I could not wait to get out of that bookstore!

Now, about half an hour later, I found myself surrounded by more books. This time, though, I was in a small house that operates as a used book store. Imagine if you will, rooms filled with floor to ceiling bookshelves. Each section, whether titled "Poetry," "Ghost Stories," "Literature," or "Travel," brings the possibility of finding something that you have been searching for as a reader. Standing in front of one of the shelves, I could not help but breathe in that old book smell. I am a major dork, I know... and I'm ok with that. This place was all about LOVE. The love of good literature, the love of an untold story, the love of facts and figures weaved perfectly into a new world, the love of escapism, the love of language... This was the kind of bookstore I could stay in forever!!

In a world where EVERYTHING seems to be big business, where EVERYTHING seems to be about profit and the bottom line, it was nice to kneel in front of an aged bookshelf like some kind of treasure hunter. I scoured $1-3 books, bought two, and relaxed in the idea that to some people, BOOKS were still about READERS who loved them, and not about how much they could sell them for.

Left for the World...

Recently, I have discovered an amazing band called Mumford & Sons. Yes, the name is mock-worthy to many people, but despite that fact, this band is AMAZING. Based out of London, this group of guys play numerous instruments and create beautiful, moving lyrics.

One of their songs, titled Winter Winds, has been on my mind AND in my CD player lately. Here is my favorite portion of the song:
"We'll be washed and buried one day, my girl,
And the time we were given will be left for the world.
The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague
So let the memories be good for those who stay."

As depressing as this song can be, to me it is almost a challenge. How will we be remembered? Will the memories be good? Will we have lived and loved and laughed as much as possible... or will our worries, woes, negative attitudes, harsh words, or depressed spirit be all that is left for the world?

Something good...

While I was praying in church on Sunday, I got the clearest picture in my head. Mental images don't normally pop into my head while praying... so I figured that meant to pay close attention. It was the image of a pumpkin (YES, the kind carved on Halloween!) and basically I saw a hand scooping all of the goo, string, and seeds out of it.
It hit me... this is what God is doing with me. He is taking out all of the things that don't belong there. This is the grossest part of carving a pumpkin, and likewise, it is the worst part of life sometimes. When God is removing clumps of character traits, it is never fun, but we should remember that the fear, worry, self absorption, the insecurity, and all of the other goo He is removing hinder us.
However, when I shared this picture with a good friend of mine, she reminded me that the strings can be used for pumpkin pie... and the seeds can be roasted for a delicious snack. So, even the stuff that needs to be removed, the insecurities, the fear, the worry... ALL of our weaknesses are used for HIS PURPOSE. His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses!

What a beautiful picture of God making something good out of something bad. :)

"Solitude is a human presumption."

I finished this novel last week. Written by Barbara Kingsolver, it includes three different stories all tied together by the setting, which is southern Appalachia. While the novel focuses a great deal on descriptions of plants, animals, and nature in general, I really enjoyed it. I am, by no means, an outdoor girl, but this book made me want to get away and hike through the forest (I didn't, of course, but I really REALLY wanted to!).
What I enjoyed most about this book was how it mirrored the connectedness of nature with that of humanity. All animals and plants are somehow connected, and when one suffers they all do. The same is true for human beings. Our families, our circles of friends are our own ecosystems. We have a niche in these places. We perform necessary tasks. We, as human beings, fill roles in our relationships that no one can. Some of us are protectors. Some of us are encouragers. Some of us create problems. Some of us find solutions. Some of us bear burdens. Some of us bring comfort. We all have a part to play. Kingsolver goes even further to explain that human beings weren't meant to be alone. She writes, "Solitude is a human presumption."
We all need someone...

What women are worth...

Do you know the possible penalties for Criminal Domestic Violence in South Carolina?

I am sure that you, like me, are thinking that it must be something huge. I mean, why shouldn't it be? No matter the situation, no man has a right to act aggressively toward their spouse or girlfriend, right? Well, apparently the Court System does not agree.I read today that in one case, a man was found guilty of Criminal Domestic Violence and his only punishment was $75 or 30 days in jail. $75!

According to an article, South Carolina has the highest number of domestic violence fatalities in the United States, and no wonder with punishments as minimal as $75 or 30 days in jail. Also, all over this nation, 4,000 women die at the hands of their husbands or boyfriends each year. These women could possibly be saved if there were worse penalties for the beginning stages of domestic violence.

Apparently in South Carolina, though, no worse penalties are needed. It is like they are screaming loud and clear that women are only worth $75. As a young woman living in this state, that is comforting to hear...

The Messy Bits

Yesterday, I went to my friends' son's birthday party. He turned one recently, and a bunch of friends and family members got together to celebrate. His dad made an awesome jungle animal themed cake (the top portion seen here...well, what is left of it anyway), and the excited one year old tore into it. As I was watching him go crazy with the bright green icing that left a sugar stained mustache on his adorable face and bright splotches of color on his shirt and pants, I thought about how much fun he must have been having.

As adults, we have learned the importance of image and outward appearance, but here was this little boy who did not care that his face was ridiculous or that his hands were gooped up with icing. A cake was placed in front of him, and he was going to enjoy it... no matter what! When was the last time that I did that. When was the last time that I fearlessly and unashamedly embraced what was placed in front of me, messy or not.

In my mind, this reminded me of the poignant line from the new movie Letters to Juliet. Charlie explains that his grandmother should not be too upset about being separated from her love for fifty years. When she finds him, he will have gone from teenager to fully grown adult without her having to witness all of the messy bits. Clare responds by explaining to him, "Life is the messy bits." Life is the uncontrollable moments. Life IS the messy bits. It is the icing laden faces and hands of children. How we react to the messiness of life determines our happiness.

Needless to say, I will never look at cake the same way again, and the next piece that I get to eat, I may rub some icing on my face and fingers... just for good measure!